http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/74821866/7744460

Titled "Clear Skies and Sailing" - Taken Kananaskis County April 9, 2007 around 1:00 PM. April 9, 2007 was a day where I chose to go into the mountains. This picture was taken on a small summit-area. Slightly below it is the lodge where I stayed at during this time. The sun had just come out for the day. I was tired but the mountains looked so beautiful that I had to snap a picture. It came to be one of my favorite ones on the trip. I often look back on this picture whenever I need more peace and balance in my day.

http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/51621040/7744460

Titled "Sunshine" - Taken about two kilometers south of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan during summer 2007 around 6:30 PM. The joy of being around here is the sunsets at time. Being able to see miles in any direction can lend itself to some beautiful skies at sunset. This picture was actually taken during sunset. I don't see many sunrises due to when I get up in the morning, usually. I stopped by the side of the road to snap this picture. It's one that I use when I need to see the brighter things of things - often, I don't like where I live because I don't see much beauty in it. This picture makes me realize that there is beauty around here.

http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/79866459/7744460

Titled "Foreboding Skies" - Taken while driving in Western Saskatchewan on September 21, 2008 around 6:00 PM. I was driving home from taking a friend to Banff, Alberta and had a friend with me who was extremely tired. I drove over 1000 miles in those two days but it was one of the best trips I had taken in a long time. As I was heading back into Saskatchewan, this sky greeted me. The starkness of the sky forced me to take this picture while driving on my cell phone. I had to drive through the storm but it was okay. This picture is actually one of my most "negative" icons as, although we are graced by storms here, I prefer to engage with storms. I prefer the thunder (This storm had none), a warm rain, or the ability to walk in the rain. The rain sometimes makes me feel alive. This picture is one that is often used to herald "foreboding" events, sinking feelings, or the other side of myself.

http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/46863021/7744460

Titled "Eternal Horizon", this came from a friend in early 2006 who was living in the Caribbean at the time. They took this outside their backdoor when the sun was setting. It looks surreal to me, I am so jealous that I couldn't have seen it with my own eyes. This picture makes me realize that there is so much in the world I need to see, and to constantly move forward. Large bodies of water, although frightening to me, are also inspiring because I can't see the end of them. I'm scared about being out on boats, honestly. The picture honestly conjures up the thought of a dream-like state for me. This picture represents the unknown state or feeling I feel, and not in a bad way. It's simply moving forward.

http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/79865791/7744460

Titled "Devastation and Reform" - Taken September 21, 2008 around 12:00 noon near Banff, Alberta. September 21, 2008 was a rainy day in Banff, Alberta. When we left to hear back home, me and my friend encountered this particular mountain formation with the clouds surrounding it. It was such a striking sight that I had to take a picture of it. It is certainly a darker icon as a result of the colors and it does seem to be how powerful the forces of nature and beauty can be very dangerous too. I might have considered it "Living Life on The Bleeding Edge" as a subtitle. This picture is probably the second "darkest" in regards to the emotions it evokes.

And that's that~ Hopefully, it provided a bit more information about the pictures and maybe even myself.

Because it's doing the rounds and it's fun! Please include yourself, the discussions are fascinating and can be really revealing! You never know why someone on your f-list chose their icons; that is, unless you do this meme!

1. Reply to this post, and I will pick five of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
4. This will create a never-ending cycle of icon glee.

12:32 AM - 1:33 AM

Restless again. Something is keeping me awake, keeping me writing this. I want solace and solitude before, during, and after this and not the kind that "silence" brings. The kind that finds you in grass or distant pasts, looking up at the neverending.

The phantom of who I am is a stifling shadow that exists. Everywhere, the shadow beckons me up to a level that I will never reach. This shadow persists in my friends and in my doubts. Who am I, I really question. If I am to soar and be who I am, is that simply creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? The feelings of closeness are illusions before me. You learn to whisper to these illusions, grasp them tightly as they may be the only companions that stay by you, for better or worse. Silence to what you say and speak is often that which greets you because there is nothing others can say. After a while, I fear that the mask placed on me has the unfortunate effect of having me temporarily forget who is underneath. Not all illusions and shadows are false and not all are true. Still, often enough, it's hard to tell which is which...especially when you feel your friends may be shadows and illusions themselves...

I don't want to make excuses for why I feel this way, why I yell out music that has deeper connections and why I can't make enough of a connection to many people to cry about the circumstances around them. Sadly, for most of them, they would be a regret but not much more. Yet, the fact is...I fail because I cannot break down that barrier that restricts my thinking. I despise this feeling that I know so much more within but will never know because there is something holding me back, something tethering me to the despicable restrictions of a mind that is chained by something else.

I dreamt last night but sadly I could not remember it. Ironic in of itself, since the dream brought back memories simply because of one individual in it. It pains me so terribly at times to not have a sureness of direction, no staff or shining light to aim towards. I believe that would be too easy. Everytime I linger, I feel almost a tragic sadness to the individual. A graceful, pained, silence that I cannot hear words or know what they know is true. Their face is not clear because that is not how they really are. They smile broken smiles and break me in sadness that I cannot be there or that I cannot see what they see....to see with eyes unclouded.

I beg of those that read this. I cannot afford to vanish into the shadows that will freely consume me. Light is not perfect and nor is dark. These battles we fight, some alone and some not, will not go quietly into the night like our wayward words might. Darkness can be comfort and so can the light. The stars shine all the more brighter away from the taint of humanity's cities and thinking. Balance is necessary for us all. Without suffering, we would not know joy. (Still, I wish that some of those I know would not know so much suffering...) I will listen with eager ears but I know full well that part of the battle is to know that you can feel and trust those around you. I don't want to be part of the silence that is remembered at the very end.

Yeah, I wish that these feelings of loneliness and this silence would subside. I know that opening up is hard to do but I don't know what more I can expect from those around me. It pains me night and day that what I feel, however little, cannot be expressed because people will drive me out and drag me away? There are times where we are stars and there are times we are the ones gazing upwards. I don't know the way to become something more than what I am. I do love what I got and it could be a little and it could be a lot. I want to share beauty, I want to be there at the end of my days and be able to smile. Maybe I'm dashing and turning in the wrong direction of the truths that will guide me...but I am stronger than I think. And, I think, friends, so are you. I do treasure every moment and vision heard, shared, or spoken. I will not disappear from sight unless it is the desire of those who around me. What I knew in here changed when I stopped running in a dream. What I don't know is if I am running anymore...and perhaps I simply want to know. I want to know...and the naivety of not knowing better judgement may cause me trouble...but the familiarity of knowing that there is much more than what I have seen so far is a fickle curse. I just sincerely hope that chaos does not consume or corrupt me and make me any less than who I am....or what I think I should be. If you need to find me, then please ask...

For I will ask here for ways to find you, my friends...and therein I will take a chance to be something more than the shadow or illusion.

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" - Martin Luther King Jr.

And what good is the world if you lose your soul along the way? What good is a manufactured Paradise if your dearest aren't there with you?

I am going to be a teacher in this world. I hope I am able to do exactly that. I only hope people can chase their own dreams and be who they want to be.

I'd want nothing more for myself.

The future frightens me still but I have those I care for with me and that which I want ahead of me.

Maybe the silence of my friends will be what I have to deal with in the end...but, until then, I will stand strong with them.

Perhaps, somewhere along the ways, it was lost. One is made to accept that which cannot be but there are those who will still fight. It is not far off from that which is new. Too often you look at the scars of those around you and see impurity where others see pride and honor. There is simply places where I must roam, away from grace and fang. I feel them closing in as a blackness emerges in the mind's eye. I see an aurora dancing and then nothing. But I can't dance around whatever failures I've had. Living side by side them means nothing.

I refuse right now to live by others, I would live with them. I suppose that's just not good enough...but, alas, it is my choice made after a series of choices.

Somewhere along the way, I became something else that what I wanted and was...and now I fear I have forgotten what the point of it all was.

I don't know why this came or why I believe that I'm not burning a bridge but more willing to stand on a burning bridge and smile a broken smile right back at those who were so willing with fiery passion to incinerate everything.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst Habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

Still keeping on the good fight but fighting's a lonely existence often.

King Of Fools

I worry that I can't give you what you need
That you'll find nothing underneath the peel
That I can't undo the times we disagreed
That I can't ignore the way I feel

Cos what I feel is the only truth I know
And I get by on this naivete of youth

If what I feel is the only truth
And what I give out will make up what I'll receive
Can I leave behind my naivete of youth?
Will I be crucified for wanting to believe?
I believe

Could you hold us up if I would drag us down?
Resurrect emotions from our past
N' if they had a king for fools would you wear the crown?
Build us up again and make us last

Cos what I feel is the only truth for me
And I get by on this naivete of youth

If what I feel is the only truth
And what I give out will make up what I'll receive
Can I still leave behind my naivete of youth?
Will I be crucified for wanting to believe?
I believe

And if we don't worry about a thing
Will we be sorry when the rain is falling again
And what does it matter
If fortune should favor
It's never the final amen

If what I feel is the only truth
And what I give out will make up what I'll receive
Can I still leave behind my naivete of youth?
Will I be crucified for wanting to believe?
I believe



I wish there was more to say than this, but I figure it speaks better than I can for now. Mayhaps I could speak more soon. Until then, I look squarely towards tomorrow and set my staff accordingly. Forwards.

All I ever wanted to be was me. The concept of "Me"....such a concept. Sad that we will never know anyone else in this world, as much as we try. Fortunately, souls stand different from this. I may never be in another's perspective, but being close enough is more than good enough for me. I was always young and inexperienced and I didn't mind that. It meant I had much more to learn but had the potential. Everyday I don't fulfill it I hope the day will let me do so before it fades away. The day it fades and I know so will be a dark day.

Yet, I can't have any regrets. Every breath I draw has been mostly taken for granted. My abilities, squandered. But I know I'm not alone in what I felt, even if I feel so. Even if my castles are but castles of sand, at least they existed. I was neither mercenary...but rather the builder and maybe even the destroyer. Judge me accordingly, but you'll probably see what you fear in me. I know I do when I look at myself. I criticize the "wild" because I was tamed, I guess. I want those chains free. They were for a few seconds, and I soared free. Our realities are what we create and accept.

Don't accept reality. Create your own. Be more than before. I know you will be.

And I existed...and still exist in the fragments of the castle. Every word, I will be there. Me and my friends. Every breath I draw is but on loan, but a piece of me is left in it. I don't care. What I want is to know...and I'll never ever know. But knowing more is knowing enough for me.

Onwards.

I do not understand. Not one bit. I can't fathom what came over me. It seemed, for but five minutes, that EVERYTHING I stood for was flipped. I feel betrayed in myself and cannot understand what just happened. For one moment, everything shattered and I saw something I cannot quite understand....

Something or someone who forgot about everything that truly matters.
Someone that isn't who they are.

Again, I feel like I am the Betrayer and I cannot forgive myself. Not now, anyway. Maybe not ever. In a moment, something seized me and I don't know what. It is my goal to find this before it finds me again. I have never felt this way in years and I don't know why. It was darkness then, it certainly feels like darkness now.

I don't even know what triggered it in the picture itself. That's what does not make any sense whatsoever. There was something I had to see in it. I copied and looked further, but then I saw something dark. I panicked after I had seen it, but the damage has been done. I don't deserve pity, I don't deserve anything but this Purgatory I have placing myself in. I know I will someday forgive myself (Hopefully sooner than the last) but I need to understand why this happened again. I -need- to.

I will be around, in spirit. The better half of me, anyways. I didn't do my actions with the intent to harm, but I have no doubt they must have. They hurt me at the very least. Yet part of me feels I don't deserve this and this is not the right way. What happened in that flash? What dark feeling gripped me for that one second?

I may post more sometime, when I get time...I don't expect responses, I don't expect to go without punishment, for I certainly will have punished myself.

I just expect to be treated as I should be.

I just wish I knew what gripped me. I can recall it, like a dream, and it was not an hour ago. I went through and searched...It makes NO sense whatsoever. It is as though EVERYTHING I said before (See post from newest post as proof) faded. Whatever feeling I had was gone...and that feeling of emptiness brewed so deep. So foreign. I didn't feel it was me in control, yet here I am, in control of the decisions made. I have to live with them. Whatever happened, I can't forget.

And now I have all the time to think about it. Here's to hoping that "all the time" doesn't last as long as "all time." I believe it won't, but what's left at the end is still unknown.

Wow, at this pace I might have 100 posts by the end of next year. Woo.

Nothing really new...though I'm happy. Quite content indeed. Had an odd dream involving a woman and felt close to her last night....but that memory has sadly faded. All I feel now is a desperate feeling to feel that closeness again. But, what a feeling. In good news, my birthday is quickly approaching. I'm not much of a birthday person, but, it's all good. Somehow each year is like a battle scar a warrior proudly wears. Though I don't bear as many scars as those dear to me hold..

I want to know the truth. Will you help?

Hasn't been a good day. Stuff stolen out of my car last night, and I wake up and read this. It's dated but not for the faint-hearted:

Teens charged after dog dragged behind vehicle

This part is the part that scares me the most...and makes me lose faith.

Investigators said the dog's legs were bound together with duct tape and there was a tow rope around its neck. The dogwas severely bleeding from several parts of its body.

''Indications are the dog was dragged behind a vehicle,''Fischer said.

The Articles:
http://www.canada.com/theprovince/news/story.html?id=122a7e30-ad83-4785-9ec5-821694f43449&k=47627
http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/city/story.html?id=ac7645fb-dc2c-479a-806b-f8a8ea2f4969

The Petition:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/361173090?ltl=1161891180

Oh, humanity. You just don't know when to stop, do you? I don't even know what kind of person does this or if any decency exists anymore when these things occur. All I know is this chills me to the bone. Please, sign and send a message. Prove you are different from these monsters. Take a few seconds to remember an animal who didn't deserve this cruel and pathetic act. Thank you so much...It means a lot to me.

IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST
I want to know things about you!
I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I am friends! JUST COPY AND HIT REPLY.


1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

*smiles*

Do you have any questions to ask me when you read this?

Warning - Entry has been doctored. This is not done maliciously...just an easier way of getting the facts out fast. If a problem is had with this, advise and it will be duly changed.

---------------

Please support Defenders of Wildlife's efforts to stop the state of Idaho's plan to slaughter 3 out of 4 wolves in this area: http://go.care2.com/e/my_/Px/E3hZ

This planned massacre is truly outrageous: the state of Idaho will be able to kill wolves even when they have done nothing to harm livestock.

Your support can help stop wolf massacres! With public education and careful oversight of state and federal agencies we can protect wolves.

When you donate to Defenders of Wildlife, they will help stop the Idaho Wolf Massacre:

* In the Courts: They will fight in court to save the 3 out of 4 wolves that could be killed in an area of Clearwater National Forest if the state is allowed to proceed with its wolf control plan for the area. Already, they've helped mobilize tens of thousands of people to submit comments in opposition to the state's plan, which is based on insufficient science.
* With Ranchers: Defenders is working to reduce conflicts between ranchers and wolves by supporting non-lethal wolf deterrents, purchasing fencing and livestock guard dogs, protecting sheep bedgrounds, providing grazing alternatives and more.
* With the State: Defenders is working with the Idaho Department of Fish and Game to provide non-lethal control alternatives to reduce conflicts and build support for science-based management. These efforts help protect wolves from being needlessly killed due to politics or bad science.

In addition, your financial support allows Defenders to keep investigating wolf killings, monitor state and federal agencies, devise and implement methods to reduce conflicts between wolves and ranchers, and challenge plans to kill wolves in the Lolo District of Clearwater National Forest.

Please donate to stop the Idaho Wolf Massacre today:
http://go.care2.com/e/my_/Px/E3hZ

Spread the word.

--------------------

I'm still here, still going strong, though I admit I'm just following what drives me, for better or worse. I re-did my journal for no particular reason that a change is sometimes good. I still hope. I hope all is well, I try my best. Perhaps I should modify my pictures, though I enjoy them so. In any case, all the best.

Tell me if I'm doing wrong.

If the last time was beautiful, this new storm is breathtaking. It felt good to seemingly release everything, if only for a while. It feels so good to watch the storms, rain falling all around you. *smile*. Such a great memory.

Truly a night where I felt free.

In any case, take care, everyone.

Such beautiful storms we had last night...I could feel like it recharged my very spirit.

I wish I could have soared up in there, but simply being there is more than good enough for me.

*smiles*

Yanked from the only mutual friend...

1. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. have I ever recommended anything to you, and have you liked it/them?
3. how long have you known me?
4. when and how did we first meet?
5. what was your first impression?
6. do you still think that way about me now?
7. what do you think my weakness is?
8. do you think I'll get married?
9. what makes me happy?
10. what makes me sad?
11. what reminds you of me?
12. if you could give me anything what would it be?
13. how well do you know me?
14. when's the last time you saw me?
15. ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. do you think I could kill someone?
17. describe me in one word:
18. do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

It may take two to tango, but a comment fest of two just isn't a tune worth dancing to.